Family violence is complex, deeply personal, and often misunderstood.
One of the greatest barriers to recognising and responding to family violence is the persistence of the ‘perfect victim’ myth—the idea that survivors must behave in a certain way to be believed. As Family Lawyers, it is critical to challenge these misconceptions so we can better identify, support, and advocate for clients who may be at risk.
The ‘Perfect Victim’ Stereotype
Society often expects victim/survivors of family violence to:
- Be visibly afraid and eager to leave the relationship immediately.
- Have clear evidence of physical violence.
- Cut off contact with their abuser entirely.
- Be consistent in their accounts of abuse.
In reality, victim/survivors may remain in dangerous relationships for financial, psychological, or safety reasons. Trauma can affect memory, behaviour, and decision-making, and not all abuse leaves visible marks.
Victims Who Use Violence
Another important misconception is the belief that those who perpetrate violence, cannot themselves be victims. In reality, some victims may resort to physical aggression as a defensive mechanism or as a response to prolonged coercive control and abuse. Others may engage in violent behaviour in moments of distress or retaliation, particularly in environments where violence has become normalised.
The fact that a victim/survivor has used violence should not automatically shift the narrative to one of mutual abuse or diminish the danger they face.
Advocates need to carefully assess patterns of power and control—who is instilling fear, who is exercising dominance, and who is experiencing coercion—rather than simply looking at isolated incidents of violence.
How This Affects Family Law Matters
When lawyers unconsciously subscribe to the ‘perfect victim’ narrative, they may overlook crucial warning signs of coercive control, economic abuse, or psychological violence.
This can impact the legal advice given, the way evidence is presented, and how the client is supported through proceedings.
Courts and legal professionals must recognise that family violence exists on a spectrum and that victim/survivors do not always present in expected ways.
Recognising Risk & Responding Effectively
To better support clients experiencing family violence:
- Recognise that inconsistent narratives or reluctance to leave may be indicators of coercive control, not fabrications.
- Ask open-ended, trauma-informed questions to create a safe space for disclosure.
- Consider patterns of control and fear when assessing claims of violence rather than isolated incidents.
- Collaborate with domestic violence support services to provide holistic assistance.
- Challenge bias within legal proceedings and ensure that assumptions about victim behaviour do not undermine case strategy.
Understanding the complexities of trauma and coercive control allows us to approach cases with greater sensitivity and awareness, ensuring that all victim/survivors—regardless of how their experiences align with societal expectations—receive the protection and support they need.
Recognising that some victim/survivors may use violence does not diminish their status as survivors, but rather highlights the need for careful, nuanced legal analysis that prioritises context, power dynamics, and overall risk assessment.
By debunking the ‘perfect victim’ myth, lawyers can become better advocates for clients experiencing family violence.
